i'm in your face. this is what you get.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
i miss you.
i miss you & i.
my existence. exterminated. @
4:18 PM
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
i love the way you make me want you, crave you.
holla.
my existence. exterminated. @
11:35 AM
Friday, July 03, 2009
crossroads.
so many a time we find ourselves caught in a moment. we have to pick a trail to take & going back to where we came from isn't quite an option open. every road we walk down has its own unique series of consequences. often, we're left out in the cold to bear the brunt of the mistakes we make. the bitter pill of regret isn't hard to swallow, its forced down our throats.
you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be
& i don't want to go home right now.
when i'm with you, i finally feel free,
& i see forever in your eyes somehow.
home.
the definition once seemed so clear. yet for reasons i can barely find it within myself to explain, its now so profound that up till a while ago, i was still deciphering what that truly means. but now that i'm here with you, i'm at home.
-
you've been in my pocket for the longest time. its been way too long.
my existence. exterminated. @
6:14 PM
somehow, i can't quite stop myself from falling even more in love with you every day.
my existence. exterminated. @
3:39 PM
Sunday, April 26, 2009
just think of me &
I'll be there.
sometimes being in dire straits helps you to realise, not what you
don't have but all that you do. the strength you find within yourself and those who truly care for you. how they'd unite and hoist you up. form a formidable safety net, catching you & preventing you from falling.
to everyone who has helped somehow,
thank you.
perhaps enduring the daily grind of life & constantly being in the midst of trying every means to make ends meet in this
arduous journey, we haven't managed find a moment where time seemingly stops. stops just for us both. but honestly,
I'd rather have hard, trying times with you than live
hedonistically and carefree times without you. you're pretty face's the first thing i see in the morning and the last thing i see before i turn in. the signature looks you give me. the irrational squabbles we have sometimes which often drives us to do the silliest and most hilarious of things. i could go on for hours. all i have to
say's that, i can't get enough of you. &
I've fallen for you like no other before you. in a way i
could've never envisioned. i
didn't think i had anymore to give, till you found me & saved me, love of my life.
I'm drowning & i
don't want to be saved.
I'm falling, falling way too deep. so deep i
don't think
I'll ever make it out again. there's nothing they can throw at me which will shake me.
I'd take you for a flight on a magic carpet across the desert to see the pyramids beneath us and watch the sun set beyond the majestic valley of kings, perhaps with a bowl of seedless grapes which
I'd feed you come nightfall under the starry sky. in the infamous
romanticised rendition, you'll be my
Cleopatra and
I'll be your Mark
Antony.
not so long ago, you were quite like a dream. so faint yet so strong at the same time. from a
friday escapade you became everything to me. everything i could possibly dream of. you filled the initial seemingly
perpetual void within me with nothing but love. you were the last piece of the puzzle which has been missing since i was old enough to comprehend. the first time your crimson lips met mine, sheer euphoria. sweetheart now that you're here to stay, lets ride on this zephyr and fly away into the night. just you and i, forever & always.
ein hundred
und funf.
ich liebe dich.
my existence. exterminated. @
5:51 PM
Saturday, April 25, 2009
i guess sometimes we find ourselves wishing we could turn back time. and make everything go the way we intended for it to. what if i told you, i was hoping you'd call, each day you were away. though i wasnt thinking about it all the time. but there were pockets of time especially in the dead of the night when i thought of you. i missed you. somehow it didnt feel right that you weren't in my life. its not everyday you'd find someone as wonderful as you. i loved your company & if you gave me a chance i'd still do it all over again. i'd still fall, fall in love with you. completely, truly, madly, deeply. there was just something really special about you that i can't quite define with words till this day. then increasingly, i began to realise, that there'd be a void in me without you. that there'd always be something missing in my life, if i were to live on without you. i needed you. because beautiful girl, you complete me. its in your eyes that i seek the solace i need. waking up to that angelic face of yours in the morning's something i really could get used to. i could lie here, just listening to you breathing. i should've known, with every sunset we walked back to your place together that you were everything, everything to me. what took me so long, why i took more than all night to let you know just how much i cared & how we could take this way out of the park. the euphoric high you left me with as the aftermath of our late night rendevous, secret escapades. what more could i possibly ask for. you're the epitome of perfection. & there really is something absolutely fabulous about you. i kept you in a special place in my heart, right from the start. i knew darling, that you're the one. fly away with me, love of my life.
all those sunset walks & secret velvet nights.
i love you.
my existence. exterminated. @
2:48 AM
i think i'm gonna post a long one on the current AWARE issue soon. its getting on my nerves.
my existence. exterminated. @
2:48 AM
today. i did math again. & it was pretty enjoyable really. geesh, i cant quite believe i'm saying this at all. its so drastic a change of opinion that that i cant quite keep up with myself either.
by the way, jay leno happens to be one of the greatest comedians of all time. wouldnt have been that hard to identify should you have been able to turn away from mtv all the time.
sweetheart,
have i told you enough that i can't quite quit looking into your pretty eyes. the tranquility which surrounds you when you're asleep, god must've spent a little more time on you. i swear you're the best i ever had.
my existence. exterminated. @
2:34 AM
Monday, April 20, 2009
time and time again i find myself here. at the crossroads. the stakes are so high this time i
dont even have a margin for error anymore. i cant afford that. its hard to imagine how two years ago, i was at a brilliant standing. i had just graduated from a prestigious school with grades which were above average. 2 years on, all that has come to naught. i
aint fond of narrating here but this time i need to release this so that someday,
i'll be able to look back & constantly be reminded of how my mistakes have left me out here in the cold, back at square one with nothing at all.
the inner strife within me refuses to die down. i
didnt envision things to turn out this way. & i
didnt think it'd hit me so hard. perhaps it was severe oversight on my part but now i see it so clear it tears me up inside. truth is, most of my peers will be entering university this year. and that remains an ultimate goal of mine. its my only escape, my only way both out & up. while
i'll still be attending school in a polytechnic for the next three years in which some of them would have already graduated by then. what do i stand to lose? time, productive financial years & self fulfilment career wise.
for the past two years, i
didnt hold my time in junior college dear. easier said as such but all i really needed was a change in subject combination. and i
desperately should have dispelled the notion that i could take the polytechnic route out if all else fails. it is that thought, that foolish plan B i had in mind all the time which hindered me from being focused enough to achieve. to do well in A levels, one has to want it badly enough. sure it may be too late for regrets but i could have done a whole lot better if i hadn't made the fatal mistakes i did.
i should have attended junior college in the first intake because although lesser known to many, i did qualify for it. failing to attend it made me a step behind my peers who were already in and ahead by 3 entire months. i could have tried out the subjects i wanted then and switch them during the second intake when we could finalise our subject combination. i
wouldnt have been so crazed as to have stuck with science then. the
rigidities of the system failed to allow me to make the switch which i not only craved for but also
absolutely needed to ensure i had a chance of passing my exams. it was only half way through term 2 in which i realised that science was really not for me & by then it was way too late to change course. not only is that highly unjust, i am inclined to believe that its the major reason as to why i failed.
if i am not satisfied academically, i will fail. it is as simple as that. perhaps i rushed into the decision of attending polytechnic way too early. i applied even before the release of the A level results, knowing deep down i would have failed already. nothing would have prepared me for the experiences and the thoughts which went through my mind in the past week.
strangely my interests are varied at the moment, which is what really matters anyway. statistics, chemistry, economics & human geography perhaps. continuing in the course i have been allocated in will do injustice to my other two strengths. & since the importance of economics will be diminished, that too would not be ideal.
i think i ought to retake my A levels.
my existence. exterminated. @
3:59 PM
& now i'm left wondering. why this didnt hit me a month or two ago. i shouldnt have been so complacent as to think i could walk away from this failure absolutely unscathed. truthfully, this failure, my only academic failure, hits way too close to home. watching my peers ascend in their paths ahead, i just can't overlook this failure any longer. taking an alternative route out might not be the answer. it never was the answer. because i didn't even commit the hours required to eke out a pass in the subject. in the midst of proving everyone wrong, there's only one who has to live with this failure forever.
i'm sorry.
i never thought i'd say this, but i'm a junior college student at heart. & i enjoy the way school works, the subject matter & how being critical wasn't in anyway encouraged or instilled, yet we all were of each other simply because we did to some degree still care. i miss my classmates. took me long enough to figure just how nice they actually were. critical we may all but but judgemental we weren't. i guess that's a fundamental difference.
feels like fuck.
i love you, for standing by me. it might really bore you to tears, each debate i have with different people on what is essentially the same subject. thank you sweetheart.
my existence. exterminated. @
10:30 AM
Sunday, April 12, 2009
when somehow the world seems to be crashing down on me, you make me feel alright once more. even though nothing seems to be going my way, you'd kiss me & tell me that everything's gonna be wonderful someday.
LOML (:
my existence. exterminated. @
5:32 PM
she's the closest thing to heaven but the furthest thing from me right now. count the hours till
I'd get to see your pretty face once more.
its been a while since
I've drafted something for this page. all
that's been happening's condensed into a mere swirl in my mind. sometimes i find myself so lost in my thoughts i fade out of the present. keeping the thoughts within, and
suppressing the feelings attached puts one in complete control.
withholding the content and releasing them to selective
privileged or condemned individuals orchestrated. observe your subjects for their response, more often than not, you find that you've been absolutely right or they're providing you the exact answers to the questions you were previously pondering over. god forbid, anomalous reactions or behaviour isn't noted. converse to others of similar intellect, they're essential for you to reach nirvana. or of lesser importance, make calculated moves and formulate theories in which your selected subjects will prove. weed out the dark and the sinister. hold your allies close, loyalty's the virtue. outlined methodology of figuring out the perplexing issues and dubious individuals in our realm of life.
I find issues regarding North Korea highly intriguing.
I ought to do a thesis of my own with regards to materialism & capitalism's sinister side how deleterious they are & how they inevitably lead to the corrision of the human nature and renders one's soul delerict, at best.
Definition of a skankbox
--> a girl who's had so many threeways she can't recall them all.
It might be difficult for us to envision that people or our peers rather in our midst actually do constantly engage in such detestable behaviour. Pardon me, i aint going about with a holier than thou attitude. I'm not qualified to do so at all. But i never knew just how low you'd stoop. everytime i think you've gone so low, you never fail to surprise me time and time again thereafter. don't, make turn this into my beef. because you're threading on wafer thin ice.
she's the epitome of perfection.
& I can't fall asleep
till you're lying here next to me.
my existence. exterminated. @
2:29 PM
Saturday, March 28, 2009
burn bitch, burn.
you're threading on wafer thin ice. don't push me. i'm gonna make you regret this all.
my existence. exterminated. @
8:06 PM
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
hold up sweetheart, linger on in this moment for a while. don't you see, its like all of the world has stopped. lets bask in the sureality of the present.
my existence. exterminated. @
6:16 PM
Saturday, February 28, 2009
don't leave for too long.
i miss you.
my existence. exterminated. @
5:21 PM
why is it that we only learn to hold people dear when we've lost them or when we're on the verge of doing so. i think i aint so good with death. a house doesn't make a home. blood relations don't make a family. i can't deal with you gone. the only one. always taking my side. you wouldn't lie. and all thats between us is pure. perhaps unconventional, but beautiful all the same. though you may never comprehend my true sentiments, i hope you feel it when i'm with you. because i didnt sleep well last night & i hope it never comes true. yet i know it will sometime, inevitably. hits really close to home. & tears me apart.
my existence. exterminated. @
5:08 PM
i feel like i'm standing at the crossroads. just that this time, regardless the direction i take, i can't turn back to try again.
people change as they get older. often its barely noticable to those whom we surround ourselves with everyday. increasingly i find myself a little more critical and reserved than before. yet i dont necessarily pass judgemental comments all the time. simply because not everyone's worthy of such blatant honesty and other times it may be the catalyst of an argument which may lead to the inevitable fallout. withholding may sometimes be the key into keeping the situation under control. watching from the sidelines, the picture's really clear. with the tendency of striking off anyone or any conflict deemed as trivial. the truth is, i dont view you all as equals. for some, i can see right through you. and hell, it aint a pretty sight. so spare me the false pretences. reserved for a select few priviledged individuals, i devulge all my insights and perceptions. everyone else, my apologies, you've just got to try decipher my cryptic language.
you're like my heroin,
i'm addicted,
mystically fixated.
& i just can't get enough.
intoxicate me.
feel that surge of euphoria.
ensnare myself in your world.
my existence. exterminated. @
3:46 PM
Sunday, February 22, 2009
its beneath my intellect to associate myself with a dim-wit like you of whom engages in juvenile antics and conducts himself in a barbaric manner. pardon my arrogance, but please do take your leave.
my existence. exterminated. @
3:54 PM
LOML,
it still seems so surreal. if it were a dream, please dont ever wake me up. you still look as beautiful as ever & your sunny disposition's intact. i could really get used to this so sweetheart, tell me, you're here to stay. captivate me, every single waking day. i'll be right by your side, trust. you haven't the faintest idea, just how much i've missed you while you were so far away.
spins with the rest last night. germaine yeo. trust them both to come up with sucha game. it wasnt the least bit fair since it was two against one. ahhhh. it was really entertaining though.
you dont know what you've got till its gone. if i could provide you with an honest opinion, i'd say you ought to do so much more. when she walks away, it'll be too late. don't let the best thing which happened to you just slip away. anyhow, i think i suck at bridge :/
sunday.
thomson.
(:
the touch of your hand
says you'll catch me wherever i fall.
(:
my existence. exterminated. @
12:47 PM
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Couldnt feel much better
Than the way I fell tonight
Feel like i could live forever
Feel like I could fly
When I thought I'd get it wrong
You somehow make things right
Thats the way you make me feel
Better than Ive ever known it
Better than its ever been
I cant seem to control it
The way you make me feel
Like the sun coming up in the morning
Like holding the world in your hands
In a way I could never imagine
The way you make me feel
I couldnt feel much better
Than when I'm here with you
You make everything seem so easy
Im telling you the truth
You never try to please me
But somehow, you always do
sweetheart,
stay close, don't go.
happy first (:
my existence. exterminated. @
11:42 PM
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
stars may collide.
stop all of the world,
lets leave this town tonight.
fall asleep while watching the clouds.
& wake up to where you are at daybreak.
seasons change,
winter to spring.
my existence. exterminated. @
7:35 PM
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
critical i definitely am,
being overly judgemental i'd vehemently deny.
if only i could tell you how much i detest your utter juvenile arrogance. you dont know what it feels like to be left out in the cold, left all alone to face this crazy world you're on your own. you've never known what its like to be tossed up against the wall, kicked & left there to bleed on the floor. noone's pushed you around, take you for granted, walked out on you. you havent the faintest idea how rough others around you have it. perhaps through your rose-tinted sunglasses, you're somehow oblivious to their presence. you can't comprehend torment, fury, pain & even love. because you're the girl who's has it all. there's nothing daddy wouldn't get you. & he'll always save you no matter what happens. you've never owned a pair of sneakers. neither have you felt the euphoria which comes with going through all the little things in life. you're a stark resemblance to a mannequin. perfectly plastic, perfectly crafted & perfectly emotionless. you parade around like everyone's beneath you. you just dont get it do you? i'm inclined to believe that you probably never will. you're empty. we live, we learn. we fall & we get right back up again. we suffer, we love. we're real & we're breathing. we reside in two vastly different worlds. & nothing in the world would make me wish i were you.
my existence. exterminated. @
6:50 PM
do you remember?
close to nineteen years ago?
you were thirteen years older.
probably?
who are you really,
someday i'd like to know.
i need to revisit a topic i'm ever so familiar with. yet till this day i detest as much as before. not tonight though. i'm way too tired to. thats what 11hour work shifts do to you.
my existence. exterminated. @
12:50 AM
No one in this city cared."I am looking for my father," she wanted to say. "Isn't that a laugh?"She was going to see a man who did not want her. She should drop him a line, tell him not to worry - she did not want anything from him, not even love. What she was actually looking for was something of her mother: a photograph, or some piece of her, a film she liked, or a book she had read. She just needed to know if she had smelt of lavender, or rosewater, or Wright's coal tar soap. And whether she could sing.
adapted from some livejournal.
What Are You Like? by Anne Enright
my existence. exterminated. @
12:29 AM
